Why Mello Isn't Fat
by Strawberry Nya
Summary: Ever wondered how Mello eats all that chocolate and still manages to keep a sexy body? Matty will tell you! crack, MattxMello
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Ever wondered how Mello eats all that chocolate and still manages to keep a sexy body? Matty will tell you!!

Random Fact for today: Uh, chocolate makes you poop?

So, when I was going to get my haircut for my Mello cosplay, I was explaining to my dear mum about his(my) eating habits: eating chocolate constantly, and never managing to get fat. Then she explained the reason... and I was like MUM THATS EMBARRASSING. Then I told my Mattykins... and he laughed at me. I mean, c'mon, I don't poop THAT much!! D:

But nevertheless it makes an amusing story idea... so yea, HERE JOO GO. (Also quick apologies to all my _Kitten_ readers: I'm sorry I haven't been updating but I've been busy and the next one is in the works!)

MATTY SHOWS OFF HIS AUZUM KNOWLEDGE OF CHOCOLATE. Cause after all, if you've got a guy constantly nagging you to buy it for him, well, wouldn't you know a fact or two?

* * *

As usual, Mello was ticked off. Why? Because Near was there. And Near bugged the shit out of him. Especially when Matt wasn't there with him so he'd have no way to protect himself from the conversations that were sure to arise between the two. Matt was off shopping; most likely for that new DS game he had been constantly talking about for the last week. Sometimes, he could be annoying too.

So Mello was just sitting down next to Near (not by choice) and minding his own business when he started to chat with him.

"So, Mello... how are you?"

"Piss off." Mello went back to playing with his shoelaces that suddenly became the most interesting thing in the world. He didn't quite know why he was still wearing his boots inside the house, because first of all it wasn't his house; it was Matt's, second of all they were uncomfortable (but worth it cause they were sexy), and third of all they were a little dirty. Whatever the reason for him keeping them on, he was glad he did. Then he could try to amuse himself and possibly let out some anger on account of the fact Matt let Near into his house (_Near!_ _Of all people!_) by tugging and toying with the laces and buckles.

"I have a question." Near said after awhile of silence. In that pause he had put together two 50 piece puzzles; one of a cat and one of a dog. He mussed them up on the floor again for a do-over.

"I figured, retard." Mello answered back in an annoyed tone. "Or else you wouldn't be talking to me."

"I'd talk to you for other reasons if you'd allow it-"

"I wouldn't."

"Eh, I know." Near reached up and twirled a white lock of hair with his index finger, staring at the puzzles in a non-excited way. He wished Matt had more complicated puzzles. "So, my question, Mello, is-"

Just then the door burst open, cutting off Near's sentence. It was Matt. His red hair bounced and his goggles shone in the light that filtered in through the doorway to his apartment. He was carrying a pink and black bag, and a white grocery bag with him. He came in with lots of energy and threw the grocery bag contents carelessly onto the table. It revealed a carton of cigarettes, a box of Belgian chocolates and a magazine of some sort (it looked dirty). The next bag, the pink and black one, he put down with much more care on top of his X-Box.

"Hey guys." he said casually, sitting in front of the T.V and turning on his game. "Mel, I got you your favourite chocolate. S'on the table."

"Thanks." Mello smiled at him. "Did you get your game too?"

"Hell yea!" Matt said victoriously with a grin. The two boys couldn't tell if he was talking about his win in the game, or the fact he bought a new one. "Two, in fact. Gonna be busy this week, baby!"

The room fell silent except the various beeps and buzzes that emitted from Matt's game console. Soon, Near decided to finish his question.

"So, Mello..." he started off cautiously, picking up part of the cats ear from the puzzle and placing it in the right place. This was the third time he had done it.

"Wha joo wan?" Mello's face was stuffed with chocolate so his words were muffled, but still barely audible. He quickly swallowed the remaining sweet food so he could talk properly. "C'mon, hurry up, I don't wanna wait all day."

Near set free a small, dry laugh. Typical Mello response. "You realize you eat too much chocolate?"

"Yea, so? What's it matter to you?"

"I was just wondering how you manage to stay so..." he took a second to look over Mello. "Fit."

Mello smirked. "Yea. I know, my body is sexy. The reason I'm like this is because my brain burns off the calories."

"That's impossible."

"No it's not!"

Just then Matt, who had been silent up until then, stood up and walked over to Mello, swinging his arms around the blonde and leaning into his shoulder, saying:

"I know how he manages to keep his figure." he said dreamily. "And not because you're so smart or whatever."

Mello's cheeks flushed a tiny bit and Near egged Matt on.

"The reason he stays so cute and skinny," Matt was explaining, "Is because chocolate contains alkaloids such as theobromine and phenethylamine-"

_'How does he know these words?!'_ Mello thought as he finished.

"-which have physiological effects on the body."

Mello looked over to Near who had a blank look on his face. At least he wasn't the only one who didn't understand what the hell Matt was saying.

"And that means...?" Mello asked, a little irritated, gesturing with his hand for him to continue. Matt smiled and squeezed him once.

"It means it's a diuretic." Mello could tell Matt felt a little special about sounding so smart. Suddenly Near burst out laughing, something that Mello hadn't really heard before. His laugh was annoying. It was also annoying because Mello _still _didn't understand what Matt meant!

"What the hell!" he exclaimed, pushing Matt a little bit away from him. "You expect me to understand that?!"

Matt and Near exchanged looks that contained secret words, and then they were both chuckling. "What?! What the _hell_ is so funny?! I _demand_ to know!"

Near tried to speak but the laughter was too much. "M-Mello...! Oh my god!" he sounded just like a school girl. It was starting to annoying Mello so much he felt like he wanted to punch something. It also creeped him out a little. But it was mostly anger. Yes.

"Can you just please for the love of god tell me what's so funny!?" Mello demanded, scooting away from Matt even more so to prevent from the redhead falling onto him. He was know rolling on the floor.

"I-I don't even know why it's _this_ funny...!" Matt said through fits of giggles. Mello was about to punch him a good one. "I-it means...!"

"It means-" Near tried to speak but he failed and Matt decided to _finally_ finish.

"It means it makes you- you **poop**! A **lot**!!" the redhead tried to stop himself from laughing when he saw the look on Mello's face but it made it even funnier. Mello's face was red with anger, his eyes were narrowed; he looked as if he was about to die from embarrassment!

"Mr.Poopsalot!!" Matt chanted, and Near soon joined in. "Mr.Poopsalot!!"

When they wouldn't stop laughing, Mello stood up and abruptly left with a short growl of anger.

"Why... they're so embarrassing..." he muttered as he walked down the hallway. "My god! It's not even that funny!"

--

For the next week, the two boys (mostly Matt) kept making poop jokes about Mello. Matt even made a sign that said "Chocolate plus poop equals Mello" and stuck it onto his bedroom door when he wasn't home with super glue and tape. When the blonde went to his house, he saw different variations of said sign stuck up everywhere. When Matt came over to Mello's home he brought him chocolate as a gift (of course), and while watching him eat, would say,

"Have to go to the bathroom yet?"

It irritated Mello. _Severely_. He couldn't take it anymore. When Matt was about to ask it for the third time that night, Mello quickly stood and hovered over the redhead.

"That's _it_..." he muttered dangerously. "Just because you won't shut the hell up about these stupid poo jokes, you're not allowed to touch me for a _month_."

Matt gasped in disappointment. That was serious punishment. "No kisses? Not even on the cheek?" Mello shook his head. "Not even-"

"Definitely not _that_. I'm going to make you suffer for being so idiotic." Mello sat back down in his chair trying to mask his satisfied expression. Matt whimpered beside him for a little bit, then let out a small chuckle. Mello quickly looked over and glared at him.

"_What?_"

Matt smiled slyly. "You know I could get you anytime I wanted." he stood up and pounced on top of him. "Just like now."

Mello blushed crimson and tried to fight back, but he knew that Matt was right, and soon gave in. He was tired of fighting things he knew he would lose.

Besides, Matt was a god when it came to _that_.

-the end.

* * *

Hmm... I wonder what _that_ is. I bet you all probably can guess. Speaking of innuendo, I bought a shirt that says "Always behind: UKE" so now y'all know what I am LULZ. So does everybody at school cause I wore it today. YAYY! Anyways, please don't ask me how the hell you say those things that are in chocolate. Cause I don't even know! Good thing there's such things as Wikipedia!

Anyways, please review, criticize, tell me what you liked, thank, etc. Just send me your thoughts please and thank you! It's always helpful to hear those kind of things.


	2. Chapter 2

Summary: Ever wondered how Mello eats all that chocolate and still manages to keep a sexy body? Matty will tell you!!

Random Fact for today: Chocolate actually makes you pee...?

Some people have informed me of my mistake, so Mello is here to fix it and to poke some fun at Matt :3

_Big_ thanks to ClOuDs-N-rAiNbOwS for helping me fix my mistakes!! It's greatly appreciated!

* * *

Matt was busily playing away at his new game he had gotten some time before (in fact this was his fourth time playing it). He was quite content with the silence inside his apartment that day save the beeps. But he had turned the volume on his DS quite low so he could hardly hear them anyways. Matt smiled to himself; nothing like a whole night of gaming with nobody to disturb you! Well, that's at least what he thought before hand.

His door burst open with a loud fwoosh. Matt took a quick glance at it to stare as his blonde friend, then sighed and continued to play his game. So much for a quiet night of gaming. Mello's hair was mussed, sticking up in several places from the exceptionally strong wind that whistled outside. His face was bright with excitement and anticipation.

"Matty!" he exclaimed. "Haha! You were wrong!"

"I know, I _should_ have run away from that Pidgey... " Matt mumbled back absentmindedly. "Now I'm dead. Damn."

"No no! Not that! The chocolate, the poop, the- the everything!" Mello threw off his shoes and ran over to the redhead, stealing away his game and shutting it off, carelessly throwing it onto the couch. Matt lunged for it with a small cry but Mello prevented him from getting up. Matt sat back down reluctantly and stared into Mello's eyes, and gestured for him to continue. Mello smiled.

"You fed Near and I false information, you dumbass!" he said loudly. "Chocolate doesn't make you poop a lot."

"Oh?" was all that Matt said, and listened as his excited friend went on.

"It actually makes you pee!" Mello gave off a little smirk and a giggle. "So you were wrong. I think you were thinking of a laxative."

Matt smirked a little. "Too bad chocolate has that effect on your body-"

"Actually it doesn't. Your mistaken again! Chocolate has the opposite effect, in fact. And while chocolate _does_ contain theobromine and phene... phene-whatever, that just makes you happy. In more than one way."

"Ahh... and where'd you get all this information?" Matt queried. He again tried to reach for his game, not really interested at all in what Mello had to say, because honestly, those poo jokes were long over and he didn't care anymore. Mello held him down again.

"I looked it all up in the library."

"Mello at a library? Geez, that's something you don't hear everyday."

"Shut up! Anyways," Mello continued, taking a piece of paper out of his pocket. "There are also beneficial effects that chocolate can have on your body, unlike _your_ bad habits. Anticancer, brain stimulator, cough preventor, etc."

"Mhm."

"So you can stop making all these poo jokes now and I can live in peace knowing that you were wrong and I was right." Mello relaxed and lay down on the floor in satisfaction. Matt let out a small chuckle.

"I'll still keep on believing that chocolate has _some_ sort of... poopy effect on your body. You _do_ take a long time in the bathroom sometimes."

"Okay sure. Keep believing in something that's wrong. Your loss."

"I will, don't worry."

Mello sighed but couldn't help but let out a small smile. "And that, babe, is why you ranked third."

-the end

* * *

So it's all fixed!! Right? RIGHT?? D:

Hope you enjoyed x)


End file.
